The #TrumpBible.

As if he’s ever read it.

After Donald Trump couldn’t name his favorite bible verse, Twitter users decided to come up with it for him. So the Twits have been cranking out Trump versions of bible verses under the hashtag #TrumpBible. Not everyone’s going for funny; some of ’em are just replacing “God” with “Trump,” as if his god complex has run amok. The rest clearly don’t know any bible, and are just tacking the hashtag onto Trump quotes.

Anywho. Yesterday, for fun, I threw a few into the pile. It’s disturbingly easy. I’ve seen enough episodes of The Apprentice, so faking his voice ain’t hard. It reminds me of C.S. Lewis’s complaints about writing The Screwtape Letters: You gotta go to a really dark place within yourself in order to get the mindset. And in Trump’s case, a really ignorant place: You gotta pretend you don’t know any bible, and don’t believe half of it.

Okay, by “a few” I mean a lot.

• “‘Can’t serve God and Mammon.’ Okay? Jesus said it. Great guy. But Mammon’s mythological. Doesn’t exist. Fake god. So no problem.”
• “Simon Peter? Why’s he got two books in the bible? He denied Jesus. I like loyalty.”
• “Saved by grace? Great, great idea. Really generous. But I wouldn’t include the losers. They’ll really stink up heaven.”
• “Okay, blessed are the meek. Blessed even more are the self-promoters. They get stuff done. The meek, not so much.”
• “Blessed are the poor in spirit. I wanna emphasize: IN SPIRIT. In real life, blessed are the not-so-poor.”
• “Blessed are the meek, ’cause they inherit the earth. But they run it into the ground, so they need guys like me.”
• “Blessed are the peacemakers. I’m a peacemaker. I get along with everybody. Okay not Rosie O'Donnell. Everybody who matters.”
• “The apostles? Sure I can name ’em. There’s Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Paul, George, and Ringo.”
• “I get why Jesus threw out the money-changers: Eliminate the competition. Smart. Very savvy.”
• “This Beast guy in Revelations? He went too far. You gotta know when to step away from the table. I won’t make that mistake.”
• “After Jesus was born in Bethlehem, the family went back to Nazareth. They didn’t stay, as illegals. I respect that.”
• "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. And a vote for me is righteous. I'm making America great again."
• “God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear. But illegal Mexicans sure have. That’s why we’ve gotta build that border wall.”

𝘚𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘎𝘰𝘥, and cheesy Jesuses.

I’m guessing the original art came from their website. I didn’t get it from there though.

When Son of God hit the theaters last February, various people at my church were talking about it like it was the Second Coming of Christ. A Jesus movie! In the theaters! In wide release; not only playing in hard-to-find specialty theaters in Sacramento and San Francisco! Produced by Hollywood producers! (Well, Mark Burnett and Roma Downey, anyway; she got to play Jesus’s mom.) Public vindication of everything we Christians hold dear!

I got in some minor trouble at church ’cause I had made, in the church’s coming-announcements video, some joking comments about how jazzed Christians were about the movie. They didn’t appreciate it, and complained to the pastor. He asked me to refrain from the commentary, and just give the announcements. So if you attend my church, and have always wondered why I stopped making comments and jokes in the announcement video, that’s why: We got complaints from the humor-deprived, and we decided it was easier and better to not offend them, then entertain.

This week I decided to kill two hours, 18 minutes (well, less; I skipped the credits) by watching Son of God on Netflix. So now I’m gonna rant about it.

Mr. Squish’s memorial service.

When I first conceived this brilliant idea where Leonard Squish stayed dead, I figured I’d make it into a regular thing.

The characters in the strip would frequently refer to the recently departed Leonard, much like the Bloom County regulars kept referring to the recently departed Bill the Cat (until they cloned him). The strip would thereafter consist of Randall, Armand, and any other characters I added, and they’d continue the strip without him. And whenever it came up, “So why’s the strip still called ‘Mr. Squish’?” I could point out that I could rename it “Randall”… but there was no guarantee Randall wouldn’t get whacked at the end of the semester.

Nah. The strip would still be “Mr. Squish,” and regularly, to justify the name, they’d refer to the late Mr. Squish.

Yeah, dumb idea.

Mr. Squish is dead. Really most sincerely dead.

I killed off Leonard Squish in fall 1990, and I meant it. He was honest-to-goodness, no-fooling-around, dead.

Okay, some fooling around.

If you’re familiar with the term “comic book death,” you know when comic books kill someone, they never stay dead. They can always be brought back. Even when bringing ’em back would seriously mess up the storyline. Fr'instance Bruce Wayne’s parents, whose murder caused him to become Batman. If one of the Batman writers decided it’d be awesome to bring ’em back to life, via magic or some convoluted retcon or zombie science or Black Lantern power rings, they’ll be back before you can cry, Zatanna-style, “Srehtaefesroh!” Anyone can be brought back, and nearly everyone has. If you know of any exceptions, give it time. They’ll be back eventually.

Your vote matters. Sometimes.

In the United States it’s Election Day—one of ’em. According to the Constitution it’s the first Tuesday of November, ’cause they couldn’t make it Monday, ’cause back in the 1780s it might take you a whole day to travel to the polls, and religious folks didn’t wanna travel on Sunday. So, Tuesday. It’d be more convenient on a Saturday, but then again you can vote by mail, y’know.

The previous Election Day was back on 3 June, when we already voted for most of these people. California being a heavily Democratic state, the Democrats won by huge majorities. But the way our state’s elections work, there’s gotta be a runoff between the top two vote-getters in all the partisan offices. (Even if the top vote-getter had such a lead over all other candidates, there’s no point in any runoff. Which happened. Often.) So that’s what this election is: People looking at the ballot and saying, “I thought he lost. Why’s he on the ballot again?”

Hence turnout is expected to be low. Which is dumb, ’cause if enough people skip the election, and the number-two guy can mobilize his supporters, he might win this time around. But he likely won’t. The stats aren’t in their favor. I tell you though, if any of them actually pull it off, it’ll be the last time: Everyone will remember the freak occurrence.

Social media, October 2014.

WEDNESDAY, 1 OCTOBER.

Thoughts on the soul:

I imagine getting two guys: One who loves the songs, “My Soul Longs for You” and “It Is Well with My Soul,” and one who loves to speak against “soulish behavior.” Then for fun, lock ’em in a room together with nunchucks and pugil sticks, and have ’em sort out the definition.

Just ’cause.

THURSDAY, 2 OCTOBER.

There's way too much fear underlying way too many End Times interpretations.

Easiest way to keep the kids out of the toys in the closet: Casually mention “the closet spider.” The fact they can’t see it makes them even more anxious.

“All right, who in Publicity has been talking to Satan?”

And no, I’m not gonna ask you to share it with 10 people.

FRIDAY, 3 OCTOBER.

Now that the Left Behind movie is out, of course certain reviewers are gonna use it (and its lack of quality) as an excuse to be jerks, slam Christianity, and get revenge on all the Christians who behaved badly towards them in their childhood. I don’t have time for those reviews.

Then there are the reviews which correctly analyze how the “we’re outta here; go to hell, world!” theology of Left Behind is far from Christian; and how some of us really don’t want our loved ones to go to hell. [“What Nicolas Cage’s ‘Left Behind’ Says About Apocalyptic Christianity,” Alexander Joenks, Pajiba, 3 October 2014]

“There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain.”

Is it only me who finds it ironic how often the people who sing this song repeat this line, or parts of it, over and over and over and over and over again? Kinda like a long, unbroken… what’s the word I’m looking for?…

Yep, there’s cannibalism in this here children’s book.

Ebola news coverage.

SUNDAY, 5 OCTOBER.

We didn’t do this when I was in school. But I totally would have.

If your “prophecy” for me sounds exactly like something I’d get out of a fortune cookie, I’m gonna assume you’re a false prophet.

Oh, I’ll still keep an open mind; just a crack, anyway. I could always be wrong. But that’s just my knee-jerk reaction. Vague statements are for people who are doing nothing more than guessing. For what reason would God be vague?

Halloween with Linus and Mr. Squish.

Ran this one in Fall 1991. So yeah, it’s out of sequence, but appropriate for the day.

No, Leonard didn’t mean Linus any harm, which is why I tacked on that line, “Wanna buy a Fisher-Price chainsaw?” It’s Halloween; it’s a trick. The poor kid did need straightening out, in many ways.

Just for fun, let’s read a few things into Peanuts, shall we?

Lucy ran a psychiatry booth. Not the usual thing a little kid would do; put aside the fact Charles Schulz made the Peanuts gang do a lot of things little kids would do. Instead of a lemonade stand, she ran a psychiatry booth. Consider what sort of kid would come up with such an idea. Someone who figured she knew enough about psychiatry to peddle it to her friends, especially gullible ol’ Charlie Brown, right? Clearly someone who spent a lot of time with her own psychiatrist.