On “Jesus Is a Liberal Democrat.”

[The Colbert Report.]

Back in 2010, Stephen Colbert did a funny bit entitled “Jesus Is a Liberal Democrat,” which I watched again recently. He did it round Christmastime. When it came out, there was much rejoicing among the Christian Left blogosphere, and one of the lefty blogs I glance at re-posted it for fun. It still applies.

[Update, 10/20/24: Paramount has taken it down, so you’ll have to settle for my transcript.]

COLBERT. Just seems to me the Democrats don’t get Christmas. Another example: Congressman Jim McDermott, who used the baby Jesus to push his pro-poor people agenda. Jim?

MCDERMOTT. [video clip from Hardball] This is Christmastime. We talk about good Samaritans. We talk about the poor, and the little baby Jesus in the cradle, and all this stuff, and then we say to the unemployed, “We won’t give you a check to feed your family.” That’s simply wrong!

COLBERT. Of course it’s wrong! We should’t be talking to them at all! They’ve got unemployment cooties.

And I am not the only one upset by McDermott’s flagrant injection of charity into the Christmas season. So is Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly. In his weekly column, he wrote, “Every fair-minded person should support government safety nets for people who need assistance through no fault of their own. But guys like McDermott don’t make distinctions like that. For them, the baby Jesus wants us to ‘provide’ no matter what he circumstance. But being a Christian, I know that while Jesus promoted charity at the highest level, he was not self-destructive.”

Good point, Bill. Jesus said we only have to love those who deserve it.

When Black Friday comes.

[Photo illustration by Reddit user kencrema.]

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Days before Thanksgiving, I picked up Mom’s head cold, so the day of, I was boiling cranberries and sweet potatoes (no, not together; separate pots) and coughing away from the food. I felt like Typhoid Mary. But much of the rest of the family has already suffered from one virus or another recently, and everything I cooked was pretty well sterile by the time it got to everyone’s plate. I think. I hope.

That morning we got the big-ass Thanskgiving edition of The Reporter, which contained all the Black Friday ads. And of course, half the stores weren’t gonna bother to wait till Black Friday: Their doors were either open already, or were opening at 6 or 8 p.m. Which means their employees had to be there even earlier, and cut short their Thanksgiving dinners, or move them to a different day.

I call this “the War on Thanksgiving.” Never mind the War on Christmas; that’s all hype. The War on Thanksgiving is bound to be a lot more successful because it’s based on Mammonism: Businesses wanna make more money, certain employees wanna make more overtime (assuming their employers even offer them overtime pay for working Thanksgiving; Walmart doesn’t). Plenty of Christians who will object, at the drop of a hat, to anyone wishing them a Happy Holidays, quickly turn libertarian when it comes to working Thanksgiving. Or even Christmas. ’Cause it’s money. And nothing should interfere with Americans’ God-given right to make a buck… and drag their employees in, holidays be damned, in order to help them make those bucks.

On getting friend-zoned.

To me, the “friend zone” is an easy concept. It basically means someone isn’t attracted to you. They like you—if they didn’t, you wouldn’t be considered friends—but they’ve ruled you out as a prospective romantic partner.

Either you were never attractive to begin with, or you were superficially attractive, and once they got to know you, they changed their mind. I, fr'instance, am attracted to brains. Beauty may get my attention, but intelligence holds my attention. So when I meet a woman, I might be attracted up to the minute she opens her mouth. Then I find out her character, and that determines which category she goes into.

Sometimes she’s a fool, meaning she doesn’t think things through, or invests all her thinking into silly things, like fashion or gossip or popular culture or sports. Sometimes she’s evil: She spends a lot of time manipulating her “friends,” or plotting against her “enemies,” or otherwise trying to transform her life into a bad soap opera. Sometimes she’s spiritually immature: She’s uncommitted to her religion, and lacks balance, self-control, emotional control, generosity, patience, peace, or love—and I don’t see her changing anytime soon, and I certainly don’t want her to change for my sake, but Jesus’s. And sometimes she has other habits and beliefs which I find irritating. I won’t get into a laundry list, but there are certain things which kill my attraction like someone shooting out a lightbulb with a pellet gun.

Getting in trouble at Bethany College.

Bethany College was the first Christian school I ever attended. I grew up in public schools. (For you Brits, that means government schools.) I went to a state community college and a state university. My parents didn’t have the money for private instruction, and even if they did, Dad wouldn’t care to spend it.

Having taught at Christian schools since, I will say I wasn’t necessarily deprived. It all comes down to the teacher. Some teachers at Christian schools are outstanding; some teachers are awful. Same with public schools. Some are there to teach critical thinking skills; some are there purely to indoctrinate. Bethany was full of awesome teachers. So I lucked out there: I went to Bethany because it was a Christian school in my denomination, not because I’d heard great things about its teachers. I have since: After I graduated and taught school, once people found out I was a Bethany grad, they leapt to the conclusion I went through their teacher ed program, and started gushing about how great that program was. I kept correcting them: “No no; I studied bible and theology.” But it did help prod me into going back for that program.

But I digress. The teachers were excellent. Student Life, on the other hand… The deans of students were stand-out people. The campus pastors as well. But the resident advisers were fellow college kids, and some were brand-new Christians, more earnest than wise.

So I blame them for my getting in trouble. The deans, whenever they found out about my shenanigans, laughed it off. The RAs, however, were outraged. How dare I? What kind of Christian was I? What sort of heretic would do such things?

Meh. I will say the guys who supervised the halls I lived in… well, they meant well.

Back to the future?

Someone keeps photoshopping today’s date onto a photo from Back to the Future Part II, and claiming today is when Marty McFly returns to the future. I photoshopped this—but no, I didn’t change the date; get the DVD and check it yourself. Still, it’s nuts how people who are so skeptical about all sorts of things, just mindlessly accept some internet meme. [Posted on Facebook, 1 May.]

University anniversary this weekend.

Bethany’s globe; located variously at the chapel and the library. [Photo: John Pilge.]

I went to Bethany College in the late ’90s, and did some graduate work there briefly in the mid ’00s, at which time it became Bethany University. It shut down two years ago, after decades of financial instability and non-management. Regardless, this weekend some alumni are throwing a celebration of its founding at Glad Tidings Church in San Francisco—the church which founded Glad Tidings Bible Institute in 1919, which became Bethany Bible College when it moved to Santa Cruz in the ’50s.

The posters all say “100 years of fire” on them. That’s actually referring to Glad Tidings’ 100th year, ’cause it was founded in 1913. But because they stuck that on everything, it sounds like Bethany is a century old, and that the organizers suck at math. Bethany is only a year younger than Billy Graham. Hey, I didn’t organize the event. I’m just telling you what they put on the posters.

Social media, October 2013.

TUESDAY, 1 OCTOBER.

Folks like to point out how the shutdown is really gonna affect Congress’s poll numbers. They don’t understand: It’s the president who cares about national polls; he’s the one with the nationally-elected job. The only polls a member of Congress cares about are the local polls of the constituents who voted ’em in. And the libertarians shutting Congress down were elected in gerrymandered libertarian districts who want Congress shut down, who love the obstructionist fools they sent to Congress, and who don’t care what the rest of us think. Polls shmolls.

Take a break from the government news, and listen to “The Elephant Song.”

WEDNESDAY, 2 OCTOBER.

A parable about the shutdown.

THURSDAY, 3 OCTOBER.

Look, I’m not thrilled about Obamacare. It’s basically doing for healthcare what the state of California did with auto insurance: It requires everyone to have it, and suggests it may lower our rates. It offers to insure those who can’t afford it, so there’s that.

But even lower rates are insanely high. Because healthcare is for-profit. And rescue aid services ought never be for-profit. Otherwise you get insane markup costs added, as HMOs profiteer on human suffering. As you can see in this comparison between U.S. costs and other first-world healthcare costs.

FRIDAY, 4 OCTOBER.

Can’t believe I hadn’t thought of this already.

Well, we in California have CalFire. Not sure what the rest of the states have in place.

SATURDAY, 5 OCTOBER.

How internet feedback works.

Unfortunately Wikipedia changed it back.

Netflix, like meth.

To follow up from my previous post, “Netflix, like crack,” we did watch Breaking Bad. Hence the new title. ’Cause, you know, meth is a big part of that show. And now we’re on to Mad Men, and if I’d written a piece after we finished with that show, it’d likely be titled “Netflix, like nicotine,” ’cause of all the smoking. May as well beat this addiction metaphor into the ground, right?

No we didn’t finish Breaking Bad. Netflix hasn’t posted the last eight episodes in the United States. (Apparently it has elsewhere, ’cause Netflix was the only pusher supplier of the show in other countries.) Yes, I already know who dies and who doesn’t, ’cause the internet can’t keep it’s bloody mouth shut, but I’ll watch the rest of it anyway once Netflix finally puts them online.

Social media, September 2013.

SUNDAY, 1 SEPTEMBER.

Morning. Time for your daily affirmation.

This isn’t the sound check. This is the concert. (And yes, that can be a metaphor for life, and a sad reality for both.)

I’m sure the inventor of this candle thought, “What a poetic, evocative name.” But if I ever bought it and burnt it, all I could imagine myself thinking was, “I BURN YOUR WISHES. I BURN THEM UP.”

Getting tired of listening to certain conservative friends freak out over same-sex marriage. You’d think desegregation was happening all over again.

TUESDAY, 3 SEPTEMBER.

So you’re not billionaire-rich. But if you have a lot of possessions, Jesus counts you as rich. So, heads up.

THURSDAY, 5 SEPTEMBER.

Too many of us use Christianity to affirm ourselves. Not reject yourself, take up your cross, and follow Jesus.

FRIDAY, 6 SEPTEMBER.

In a parallel universe, President Romney is calling for Americans to fight in Syria. And every last neoconservative is backing him 100 percent… though in our universe you’d think they were all newly converted pacifists.

Somewhat true.

SATURDAY, 7 SEPTEMBER.

Focus on eternal things.

There is a difference.

MONDAY, 8 SEPTEMBER.

The reason people want a government which will solve all their problems is because deep down, unconsciously, they desire the kingdom of God.

The reason people want government to leave them alone is sometimes because they recognize this, and want the kingdom instead of our government. Sometimes.

But for a lot of them, especially those who take pride in their utter independence from anyone or anything: They don’t want God either. Like the Pharisees, they want to be free to interpret his rules however they please, but if God literally showed up, he’d get in their way, so they’d want him dead.

WEDNESDAY, 10 SEPTEMBER.

I think it was actually back in May.

THURSDAY, 11 SEPTEMBER.

Not gonna stop plenty of Christians from trying, though.

Oh, the fun you can have with pronunciation.

In picking a church, fruit of the Spirit makes all the difference.

FRIDAY, 12 SEPTEMBER.

If Monty Python and the Holy Grail were marketed as serious instead of funny.

Such a double standard.

SATURDAY, 13 SEPTEMBER.

Years ago my dad told me the story of when he asked God to show himself, and God didn’t answer. (Which was kind of God, considering Dad asked to be struck with lightning.) Dad concluded there’s no God, and proceeded to become atheist.

And thanks to Dad’s behavior, he probably drove me further towards God in my teens than anything else. Some kids rebel by ditching church; I rebelled by going. So, y’know, there’s that—sometimes God can best use you as an atheist.

The Canadian version of Breaking Bad would be much briefer.

WEDNESDAY, 17 SEPTEMBER.

Or they do know, but keep accepting empty promises in exchange. You know, like, “Vote for me! I’ll close Guantanamo Bay!” or “Vote for me! I’m pro-life!” Either way.

Wonder how many Christians ever bother to hit the “Let the Lord Decide” button?

“Heretic” is an overused word. We’re saved by grace, folks; not orthodoxy.

THURSDAY, 18 SEPTEMBER.

PETA goes for the easy victims. Socialites who wear fur who would never attack back; slower-than-average models who don’t realize they’re being exploited just as much as the animals they claim to defend; fast food restaurants staffed by teenagers and out-of-shape managers. If any of them ever foolhardily attack a leather-clad biker, it’s only because they’ve decided, “I don’t really need my teeth anymore.”

So… what good will it do God if he keeps me alive another day?

Just another fun thought before bedtime.

MONDAY, 22 SEPTEMBER.

Wishful thinking isn’t faith. Faith is based on something solid: Substance. Evidence. Hoped-for and unseen, but still.

TUESDAY, 23 SEPTEMBER.

A human relationship, based solely on spontaneity, will never be a deep one. And a divine relationship, based solely on following whatever spiritual whim comes your way (or wrongly described as “wherever the Spirit leads”), will likewise never become a deep one. You will always be an entry-level Christian, destined for mediocrity unless the Holy Spirit does something drastic to wake you up.

WEDNESDAY, 24 SEPTEMBER.

Overdo it and it’ll stop working.

Argumentativeness is a work of the flesh. Why then do Christians do it? “We’re arguing for Jesus.”

FRIDAY, 26 SEPTEMBER.

Jesus said, “A man was going from Jerusalem to Jericho, where he was attacked by robbers, beaten, and left for dead.

“A senator happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he said to himself, ‘I can’t be helping every poor fool who doesn’t plan ahead; it establishes a bad precedent, and disrupts the economy.’ And he passed him by.

“A pastor likewise saw the man, and said to himself, ‘When Jesus said “Heal the sick,” he only meant supernatural healing,’ and sent up a flare-prayer; and seeing no results, shrugged and passed him by as well.

“But an illegal immigrant came by, saw him, took pity on him, bandaged his wounds, put him in his truck, took him to a clinic, and offered to help him out however he could. Which of these three do you think was a neighbor?”

The Republican said, “Well, the senator.”

Jesus told him, “How hard it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Nearly sixty years of guitar solos in nearly six minutes.

MONDAY, 29 SEPTEMBER.

Lately I’ve noticed a significant pause when I open Facebook in my browser. Probably they’re just scanning my browser history, in case there are any areas of my life they don’t know about, and can’t market to, yet.

Priorities.

Raj Patel: “There are two novels that can change a bookish 14-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves Orcs.”

Literally.

I won’t bother to link to the article, but once again on the internet, some nimrod was ranting about the end of civilization as we know it, and for evidence he pointed to the fact that once you Google “define:literally” you get this.

Definition 1 is the familiar definition, “Exactly.” Definition 2 is the popular, but often totally opposite, definition, “Virtually.”

The ranter is outraged, I tell you, outraged. Everybody who means “virtually” is using it wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. And now Google is telling them they’re right, because when they look it up on Google, they can now point to it and say, “Aha. Told you it means that.” The reason I’m not linking you to the original article (and the many, many others like it) is because these ranters don’t understand what a dictionary does.

A dictionary informs us what words mean when people use them.

The recovering atheist?

Kirk Cameron has a new movie coming out, called Unstoppable. Facebook tried to test how accurate that title was, by blocking its users from posting any links to Unstoppable’s website. Apparently the site set off Facebook’s spam detectors.

I’d better insert this disclaimer. I’m not a Kirk Cameron fan. I’m not talking about his acting; I think it’s okay. (Not award-winning good, but way better than, say, the kids in high school drama. When he’s in a lousy movie or sitcom, that’s the writer’s fault, not his.) I’m talking about his evangelism and outreach efforts.

When Cameron first got mixed up with Ray Comfort’s “Way of the Master” apologetics ministry—playing Comfort’s goofy sidekick in his training videos—he was okay, ’cause his job was basically to look on in awe as Comfort talked condescendingly about atheists and skeptics, and complain about how their intellect and critical thinking skills were getting in the way of the gospel. (No, really.) But now he acts like Comfort: Too confrontational, too arrogant, too dogmatic, and I hate the underlying philosophy of “You need to bypass your intellect and just believe.” It’s what the Mormons teach, and it violates Jesus’s command to love the LORD with all our minds. [Lk 10.27] Comfort’s problem has always been that his evangelism lacks patience, among other fruits of the Spirit. It’s too interested in winning arguments, and getting results—intellectually bankrupt results. Cameron, as his disciple, is just as fruitless when we see him in the press: Too little patience, kindness, gentility, and graciousness. Too little love. Too reminiscent of that “twice the son of hell” statement Jesus made to describe the Pharisees’ converts. [Mt 23.15] ’Cause while your average pagan knows nothing about Ray Comfort, they’ve heard of Kirk Cameron: He’s that kid who became a Christian, then became an a--hole to all his coworkers, on Growing Pains.

Fruit-free water, please.

I’m gradually developing a new peeve: Fruit-infused water.

Somehow or other, it’s become popular to chop up bits of fruit, put it in ice water, let the fruit decompose just a bit into the water, and serve it to people as if they want their water flavored that way.

As I understand it, the point is that the water have a subtle taste of strawberry, melon, cucumber, or whatever it is you’ve thrown into the water. But people don’t know how to do subtle. So they throw half a pound of fruit into the water—sometimes jumbled up, as if that makes it any better—and add a little sugar. This makes it taste like a really weak ade, like limeade with way too much water in it, or cherryade where the kids only had five cherries and figured they’d stretch the fruit as far as it could go. But it’s neither ade nor water. It’s some sad hybrid, and I don’t want it.

Ah, but if someone’s made it, they didn’t have a pitcher of water on the side. Their tainted water is the water. And they’re a little put out that you don’t want their fruity water. After all, it’s only just a little mango, or kiwi, or watermelon they’re floating in it. Why, you can hardly taste it. (Which begs the question, “So what was the point in adding it?”) But of course I can taste it, which is why I want water.

It never used to be any trouble to ask for only water.

Anywho. You wanna make fruit-infused water, go for it. Have fun. Get creative: Throw a chopped tomato and a sprig of basil in a pitcher of water. Somebody oughta like it. Not me, but somebody. But don’t forget to provide actual water on the side, for those of us who like our water without pulp.

Homecoming, 2008.

The year is 2013, meaning it’s now been 15 years since I graduated from Bethany College, later Bethany University, which closed its doors in 2011. Now all that’s left of it is a campus which isn’t selling, a giant debt left over from years of mismanagement, and a really hostile alumni page on Facebook where people bitterly yell past one another about how the school should never have closed, and “who’s offered to buy the campus? Why, they’re not orthodox enough. Stop the sale!…” ad nauseam.

Well, that and some really awesome alumni, myself included. So there’s that.

Since nobody bothers to make much of a to-do of five-year and 15-year reunions, there’s not one for my graduating class. There wasn’t much of one for my 10-year reunion. I went to it in 2008, and I decided to resurrect some of the old posts I wrote about it.

Independence Day, 2013.

Happy Independence Day.

Haven’t done much for it yet. Ordinarily we might hit up the Fourth of July parade in Fairfield, but my favorite vantage point from which to watch it, the air-conditioned Alpha Pregnancy Resource Center office, is no longer available, since Mom doesn't work there anymore. We’re in the middle of a heat wave: It’s before noon, and already 93 degrees in Fairfield, and 103 in Vacaville. I'm spending it indoors if I can help it, and only venturing outside for fireworks. And barbecue.

I did go outdoors briefly. My sister Shannon and her family are visiting from Spokane, and since she’s so seldom in California, my brother Chad wanted to gather us Leslie siblings together and have coffee or something. We compromised: Kerry and I went to Peets Coffee & Tea, and Chad and Shannon went to Jamba Juice; the stores are right by one another in the Nut Tree shopping center. (Kerry took the selfie at right.) The temperature was already climbing by then. But I’ll still drink coffee. Forget energy drinks; coffee is the original, and as far as I’m concerned, still the best of them.