As if he’s ever read it.
After Donald Trump couldn’t name his favorite bible verse, Twitter users decided to come up with it for him. So the Twits have been cranking out Trump versions of bible verses under the hashtag #TrumpBible. Not everyone’s going for funny; some of ’em are just replacing “God” with “Trump,” as if his god complex has run amok. The rest clearly don’t know any bible, and are just tacking the hashtag onto Trump quotes.
Anywho. Yesterday, for fun, I threw a few into the pile. It’s disturbingly easy. I’ve seen enough episodes of The Apprentice, so faking his voice ain’t hard. It reminds me of C.S. Lewis’s complaints about writing The Screwtape Letters: You gotta go to a really dark place within yourself in order to get the mindset. And in Trump’s case, a really ignorant place: You gotta pretend you don’t know any bible, and don’t believe half of it.
Okay, by “a few” I mean a lot.
- “‘Can’t serve God and Mammon.’ Okay? Jesus said it. Great guy. But Mammon’s mythological. Doesn’t exist. Fake god. So no problem.”
- “Simon Peter? Why’s he got two books in the bible? He denied Jesus. I like loyalty.”
- “Saved by grace? Great, great idea. Really generous. But I wouldn’t include the losers. They’ll really stink up heaven.”
- “Okay, blessed are the meek. Blessed even more are the self-promoters. They get stuff done. The meek, not so much.”
- “Blessed are the poor in spirit. I wanna emphasize: IN SPIRIT. In real life, blessed are the not-so-poor.”
- “Blessed are the meek, ’cause they inherit the earth. But they run it into the ground, so they need guys like me.”
- “Blessed are the peacemakers. I’m a peacemaker. I get along with everybody. Okay not Rosie O'Donnell. Everybody who matters.”
- “The apostles? Sure I can name ’em. There’s Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Paul, George, and Ringo.”
- “I get why Jesus threw out the money-changers: Eliminate the competition. Smart. Very savvy.”
- “This Beast guy in Revelations? He went too far. You gotta know when to step away from the table. I won’t make that mistake.”
- “After Jesus was born in Bethlehem, the family went back to Nazareth. They didn’t stay, as illegals. I respect that.”
- "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. And a vote for me is righteous. I'm making America great again."
- “God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear. But illegal Mexicans sure have. That’s why we’ve gotta build that border wall.”