The #TrumpBible.

As if he’s ever read it.

After Donald Trump couldn’t name his favorite bible verse, Twitter users decided to come up with it for him. So the Twits have been cranking out Trump versions of bible verses under the hashtag #TrumpBible. Not everyone’s going for funny; some of ’em are just replacing “God” with “Trump,” as if his god complex has run amok. The rest clearly don’t know any bible, and are just tacking the hashtag onto Trump quotes.

Anywho. Yesterday, for fun, I threw a few into the pile. It’s disturbingly easy. I’ve seen enough episodes of The Apprentice, so faking his voice ain’t hard. It reminds me of C.S. Lewis’s complaints about writing The Screwtape Letters: You gotta go to a really dark place within yourself in order to get the mindset. And in Trump’s case, a really ignorant place: You gotta pretend you don’t know any bible, and don’t believe half of it.

Okay, by “a few” I mean a lot.

• “‘Can’t serve God and Mammon.’ Okay? Jesus said it. Great guy. But Mammon’s mythological. Doesn’t exist. Fake god. So no problem.”
• “Simon Peter? Why’s he got two books in the bible? He denied Jesus. I like loyalty.”
• “Saved by grace? Great, great idea. Really generous. But I wouldn’t include the losers. They’ll really stink up heaven.”
• “Okay, blessed are the meek. Blessed even more are the self-promoters. They get stuff done. The meek, not so much.”
• “Blessed are the poor in spirit. I wanna emphasize: IN SPIRIT. In real life, blessed are the not-so-poor.”
• “Blessed are the meek, ’cause they inherit the earth. But they run it into the ground, so they need guys like me.”
• “Blessed are the peacemakers. I’m a peacemaker. I get along with everybody. Okay not Rosie O'Donnell. Everybody who matters.”
• “The apostles? Sure I can name ’em. There’s Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Paul, George, and Ringo.”
• “I get why Jesus threw out the money-changers: Eliminate the competition. Smart. Very savvy.”
• “This Beast guy in Revelations? He went too far. You gotta know when to step away from the table. I won’t make that mistake.”
• “After Jesus was born in Bethlehem, the family went back to Nazareth. They didn’t stay, as illegals. I respect that.”
• "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. And a vote for me is righteous. I'm making America great again."
• “God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear. But illegal Mexicans sure have. That’s why we’ve gotta build that border wall.”
• “Ask and you’ll receive. Seek and you’ll find. Knock and I’ll let you in the boardroom. Outperform or you’re fired.”
• “When those kids called Elisha ‘baldhead,’ he cursed them and two bears tore them a new one. That’s good stuff. I can relate.”
• “King David: Talented writer. Love his book of Pa-salms. Is that how you pronounce it? Pe-salms. Pu-salms. Great book. Good rhymes.”
• “You’re the light of the world. A casino on a hill can’t be hidden. Why would you want to?”
• “Jesus said to take the children’s bread and give it to dogs. You know, the golden rule. Words I live by.”
• “My favorite prophet? Gehazi. Bright guy, good negotiator. Knew how to make a sheqel. Too bad about the leprosy though.”
• “On the fence about favorite testament. In the Old, you got Balaam. In the New, you got Simon Magus. Both solid negotiators.”
• “Jesus took the little cracker, and the little wine, and said ‘Do this in…’ something. Can’t recall. Me, I find it spiritual.”
• “Ecclesiastes—‘What good is working hard, then dying and leaving it to those who didn’t work for it?’ That’s good. Me, I hire my kids.”
• “I especially like the stories about Jesus’s mother, Mary Christ. Classy lady. Lotsa faith. Like her husband Joseph Christ.”
• “You don’t know where the wind blows, and that’s what the Spirit is like. So you take polls. I’m huge in the polls. Not the fake polls though.”
• “Why don’t I go to church? Presbyterians can’t decorate. No marble, no gold leaf, no stained glass. Bare walls. Not good.”
• “‘Forgive others or the Father won’t forgive you.’ But I’ve done nothing that needs forgiving. We’re good. So I don’t forgive.”
• “That Satan guy. Hate him. ‘Eat the apple.’ ‘Bow down and get a free kingdom.’ Doesn’t deliver. I’m still waiting!”
• “Jesus’s version of The Apprentice: That Judas thought he knew the game. Then he bumps off the top guy. Idiot. No backup plan.”
• “Now God, he gets rebranding. First he’s El Shaddai. Then Jehovah. Then ‘the LORD,’ all caps. P. Diddy does that. Smart.”
• “I don’t get why Jeroboam’s the bad guy. Built franchises. Had that golden calf logo. Knew how to expand. Bright guy.”
• “Job needs serious editing. First chapter, last chapter. Lose the whining. Life’s rough. It’s not personal—it’s just business.”
• “They give me all this grief about three wives. Now Solomon, a really smart guy, had like hundreds. And they posed no problem.”
• “I like Solomon. Good proverbs. Built the temple. His smutty love poem’s not my cup of tea, but hey, good Christian.”

This stuff sorta writes itself. And they say comedy is hard.

Adds, 3/11/2021:

• “Take no thought as to what you will wear, or what you will eat. ’Cause there’s the Donald Trump Collection and Trump Steaks.”
• “Honestly ‘No adultery’ isn’t my favorite commandment. Same with ‘no coveting.’ The other eight? Solid advice.”
• “My favorite verse? ‘Keep your faith private. So private, people can’t tell you have any.’ It’s in the back.”
• “I read the book of Philippinos I gotta say, I’m not happy about outsourcing the bible like that. Keep jobs in America.”
• “‘Easier to put a camel thru a needle than a rich man into the Kingdom.’ Not a problem. Trump Steaks has a meat grinder that’ll liquefy a camel in minutes.”
• “Maybe it’s me, but why aren’t the books of the bible in alphabetical order? I’m just saying.”
• “Billy Graham, great guy. Real winner. …Wait, he’s not in the bible? Yeah, but they make new editions of the thing, right?”
• “I love the bible. Favorite book. But some parts are out of date, you know. Like forbidding pork. And shellfish. And adultery.”
• “That Ark of the Covenant thingy. Love that. Big shiny gold box to trap God in. Where’d it go? We need one of those.”
• “Jesus said ‘By their fruits you’ll know them.’ Like me. My fruit is that I’m very, very rich.”
• “That story of the rich man and Lazarus: That guy shoulda gone to hell. Letting Lazarus sleep at his gate. What’s he thinking?”
• “Finally brothers, whatever’s classy, whatever’s huge, whatever’s great, whatever’s tremendous: Think on these things.”