Flashback time.

Sixteen years ago, in 1990, I was on the staff of the CSU Sacramento State Hornet.

I was poking around the back issues, stealing ideas. Some of the best ideas come from things people have tried already; ask anyone who makes old TV shows into feature films. In the process I came across an old magazine entitled “Survival.” It was a survival guide to life at Sac State, written back in the ’70s—had to be, because the writers were bellyaching about how a one-bedroom apartment could cost you as much as $60.

“What a great idea,” I said, and talked the editor into producing one for the ’90s.

It was pretty much my project, so I gathered together a few writers and illustrators and connived them into writing articles for it. I wrote the bulk of it. In the end, we wound up calling it the “Campus Guide” because CSUS was publishing an “officlal” Survival Guide, and we didn’t want to confuse the names with one another.

But mine was much more popular. Mainly because it was written by me, and not in an official tone of voice either. The “official” guide pointed out how much it cost for a semester parking sticker, and the proper locations to park. My guide advised students to spray-paint their cars yellow and orange, slap a realistic-looking CSUS seal on the side, and park anywhere on campus that Facilities Management does.

The next semester we decided to take the title “Survival Guide” back. Admissions were asking for extra issues of the State Hornet's guide rather than a reprint of the “official” guide. And we got in trouble with one of the local pizzerias because the newspaper staff kept using the $2 personal pizza coupons from the back issues. (To be fair, we were buying about 20 personal pizzas a day, but this is what you get when you don’t put “One per customer” on the coupon.)

CSUS still has the Survival Guide, and to my astonishment someone pointed out to me it still contains one of my articles in it. I’m not credited, but it’s definitely mine. The copy, except for the date, hasn't changed in 16 years. Frightening.

Adding and dropping classes.

It is imperative that you go to the class on the first day. Try to get there early enough to steal a seat away from a student who is actually enrolled in the class. Some professors will tell everyone at the beginning of the class that the class is FULL, that there’s no more ROOM, and that they’re not accepting any add slips at ALL. PERIOD. Ignore this; it’s meant to drive away the faint of heart.

At that point, the instructor will probably go through the roll, and then ask if there’s anyone whose name wasn’t called. Of course, here’s the point where you will be told the class is FULL, there’s no more ROOM, and that they’re not accepting any add slips at ALL. PERIOD. Ignore this; it’s also meant to drive away people who can’t handle personal confrontations.

Ask these professors if you can at least sit in on the class. If they’re hesitant, tell them that you want to take this class eventually and that you at least want to see what it’s all about. Or appeal to their egos and tell them that you want to watch the best professor at Sac State do what he or she does so well.

Some professors will at this point relent, which means you can hang around long enough to get in just before the add/drop deadline (Feb. 12). After the first exam, students will drop the class at an alarming rate anyway. When this happens, you're home free.

Other professors—the ones with the souls sucked out of them long ago—will repeat that they’re not taking any more add slips and that’s it. Some will actually demand that you leave. In those cases, it’s probably best that you do leave before somebody pours water on them and melts them.

How much more old junk of mine is floating around out there on the internet? The mind reels.