“So are we friends?” was the response someone had to my previous entry. Okay, in the case of that individual, yes.
But let me put together a definition so that there’s less confusion about what I mean.
“Acquaintance” is pretty much a catch-all term for anyone I know. Some acquaintances I know fairly well. Others, I honestly don’t even know their names. Obviously they aren’t friends.
Friendships, on the other hand, are intentional relationships. You choose to do stuff together; you don’t have circumstances determine that for you.
I choose to join groups, eat dinner, attend classes, etc. I don’t choose who happens to be there at that particular time. Those people who are there—I’m friendly to them, ’cause I’m a nice guy. We have conversations. Sometimes interesting ones. Sometimes it’s small talk; sometimes not, because I’m a deep guy too. But that’s pretty much that.
A lot of people assume that friendships are caused by deep conversations. You have a heart-to-heart talk with someone and that makes you “friends.” Well, not really. You might notice: I can talk about my deepest feelings with the whole world on a freakin’ internet blog. That’s right; total strangers can find out more about me than my family members. (Unless they read my blog too. Some of ’em do. One complains I write too much; another complains I reveal too much. The rest ignore it… at their peril.) But obviously I don’t care who knows this stuff about me. If I share it with you, does it mean I’m your best friend forever? Not at all. It just means I have a much deeper well from which I can pull small talk.
With acquaintances, outside the small talk, you’re not really there for one another. You don’t make time for one another. You don’t make plans around one another’s lives. When you annoy one another you don’t bother to work it out unless you’re forced to spend time together. When you try to speak into one another’s lives there’s no acceptance (unless you already believe what the other person’s trying to tell you). There’s nothing solid in the relationship. There’s nothing, really.
I once lived an entire year with the same roommate and we were never anything more than acquaintances. It’s not that he isn’t a great guy. It’s that we’re two different guys, with different interests, and we hung out with different people, and that was that. I have nothing against him. We just never made our relationship intentional. Once we stopped living together, that was the end of that. There are lots of people I’ve known where that’s been the case. Our lives are full of such people. But friends stick around.
I am very particular about friendships. If it’s going to be a healthy friendship it’s going to involve a lot of work—and interest—on both friends’ parts. We have to make time for one another. We have to put in some effort. It helps to have common interests and goals, but the friendship can’t be based on those things—it has to be based on the person. In fact, some of my friends don’t have any common interests with me anymore. But that doesn’t make any difference.
However, there are lots of people I know who, when it gets down to it, are never going to be anything more than my acquaintances. I don’t necessarily want to be friends with them. It’s not that they aren’t great or good or valuable people; it’s that, most of the time, I recognize that they’re not going to put in the effort. They’re too distracted by life and work and social occasions and all the other friends they have in their lives. Some of them don’t really have time for the friends they do have, so beyond the novelty of being a new friend, I don’t stand much of a chance. And some of them… well, they’re fun to watch and listen to, and that’s all.
It’s actually a lot like dating. Which is why I hate the breakup line, “Let’s still be friends.” We can’t be. Part of the nature of a breakup is that you’re ending the relationship. You’re not exchanging it for another one. You’re choosing to not see one another anymore. No more intentional meetings (or “dates”); no more anything. You’re going from being friends—as every healthy dating relationship is—to being acquaintances. Sometimes friendly acquaintances, but nothing more. (Sometimes there can’t be anything more, when all the emotions are still there. I’ve tried. It just made things more miserable.)
So if you’re asking yourself, “Does Kent consider me a friend?” think about the last time I chose to do something with you. If you can’t think of anything, there’s your answer.
Sorry.
I would invite you to seriously think about the other “friends” you have and whether those relationships are in any way intentional.
And stop trying to guess who Y is. If I wanted you to know I would have given her name. Regardless of how annoying I may find her, I’m also trying to save her from embarrassment and gossip. No one deserves that.