Some Christian songs don’t just suck because they’re cheesy. They suck because they’re heresy.
In 1992 or 1993 or sometime around then, Ray Boltz came to my church for a concert, and my mother dragged me to it. It was awful. I sat through two songs, then went out to sleep in the car rather than listen to any more of that crap.
People of my mother’s generation are uniformly startled when I refer to shmaltzy Christian music as crap. I can think of certain other Anglo-Saxon adjectives I’d like to call it, but simply calling it crap makes them question my commitment to God. They figure, “How dare he critique music that’s so heartfelt, so meant to glorify God…?” I dare because if it was meant to glorify God, it would be worship songs; and even if it is meant to glorify God, it should at least stand up to close theological scrutiny.
Here’s Boltz’s “Thank You,” the song that triggered this rant, which I was forced to endure four times for the kindergarten graduation. A parent picked the song. It sorta goes without saying that she’s a baby boomer.
- ♫ How about getting off of these antibiotics
- ♫ How about stopping eating when I’m filled up
- ♫ How about them transparent dangling carrots
- ♫ How about that ever elusive kudo…
No, wait, Boltz’s “Thank You,” not Alanis Morisette’s “Thank U.”
- ♫ I dreamed I went to heaven
- ♫ And you were there with me
- ♫ We walked upon the streets of gold
- ♫ Beside the crystal sea…
All right, Boltz is in heaven with a friend. I won’t begrudge him a place in heaven; I don’t want him to go to hell. Cheesiness doesn’t deserve eternal damnation. A lead pipe to the crotch, perhaps, but not eternal damnation.
- ♫ We heard the angels singing
- ♫ Then someone called your name…
If you’re on the crystal sea, where the Great White Throne is, of course you heard the angels singing. God likes loud music, and those critters sing loud. Even your short hairs will rattle from the sound. Thus it makes no sense that anyone could actually hear anyone call anything, much less some young man running towards you.
- ♫ We turned and saw a young man running
- ♫ And he was smiling as he came
- ♫ And he said, “Friend you may not know me now.”
- ♫ And then he said, “But wait
- ♫ You used to teach my Sunday school
- ♫ When I was only eight
- ♫ And every week you would say a prayer
- ♫ Before the class would start
- ♫ And one day when you said that prayer
- ♫ I asked Jesus in my heart.”
So wait; this kid’s conversion isn’t the result of the Sunday school teacher getting in the kids’ faces and explaining to them the need to follow Jesus? The kid had to do it on his own, during prayer time. What’s worse, the kid didn’t have the nerve to come to his teacher afterward and confess Christ. What kind of messed-up Sunday school class is this?
- ♫ Thank you for giving to the Lord
- ♫ I am a life that was changed
- ♫ Thank you for giving to the Lord
- ♫ I am so glad you gave
Thank you… for doing what you were supposed to do anyway. While we’re at it, thank you for paying sales taxes, driving while sober, not fooling around with your neighbor’s wife, and not looting during riots.
- ♫ Then another man stood before you
- ♫ And said, “Remember the time
- ♫ A missionary came to your church
- ♫ And his pictures made you cry
- ♫ You didn’t have much money
- ♫ But you gave it anyway
- ♫ Jesus took the gift you gave
- ♫ And that’s why I’m here today.”
And if you hadn’t given any money, the guy would be burning in hell? What about the doctrine of election? If God wanted that guy in heaven, God would get him in there one way or another. In this case, God used your predisposition towards being a sucker for emotionally-laden pleas to give to missions. Apparently that’s what it took, because it wasn’t your regular habit to do so. No wonder we’re thanking you for giving; you did it so rarely.
- ♫ Thank you for giving to the Lord
- ♫ I am a life that was changed
- ♫ Thank you for giving to the Lord
- ♫ I am so glad you gave
Thank you for obeying God’s commandment to tithe. Thank you for obeying Jesus’s commandment to store up treasures in heaven. Thank you for contributing to the kingdom, as opposed to sucking things out of it like all the other Christians who complain that their church isn’t feeding them enough. But seriously… now we’re thanking people for obeying God? Can I get a thank-you for not sacrificing children to Molech during the past month?
- ♫ One by one they came
- ♫ Far as the eye could see
- ♫ Each life somehow touched
- ♫ By your generosity
- ♫ Little things that you had done
- ♫ Sacrifices made
- ♫ Unnoticed on the earth
- ♫ In heaven, now proclaimed
But let’s get realistic here. What was the point of doing any charitable work? So you could get a big pile of ever-elusive kudos in heaven? Or was it because it makes God happy? I don’t give a crap if most of the good deeds I do on earth ever get mentioned again; I got my reward by God, and no one else, knowing about them and being pleased by them. I don’t need them to be proclaimed in heaven; nor does scripture indicate that we will get other recognition than Jesus’s reward, which we would be happy to give back to him simply because we have nothing else of value to give him. But if you were hoping to go to heaven just so you can get a little bling-bling (oddly, in an economy where gold is so valueless that it’s used for pavement) this song is for you.
- ♫ And I know up in heaven
- ♫ You’re not supposed to cry
- ♫ But I am almost sure
- ♫ There were tears in your eyes…
He’s right. God will wipe away every tear. What would these tears be caused by anyway? Joy? Recognition? You did what you were freakin’ supposed to do. You did your duty. If anything, I think I’d be annoyed that I didn’t do enough. I could always have done more. I’m reminded of that final scene from Schindler’s List, where Oskar Schindler recognizes that he spent lots of money on parties, nice cars, hot Polish secretaries to fool around with—money that could have saved more Jewish lives. That might be a source of tears… but remember, Boltz is trying to make you weepy with this song so that you’ll play it at funerals or offertories or something.
- ♫ …As Jesus took your hand
- ♫ And you stood before the Lord
- ♫ He said, “My child, look around you
- ♫ For great is your reward.”
Score! I’m getting a mansion.
So how long had these dudes been in heaven before Jesus finally showed up and said you were getting a reward?… Wasn’t he supposed to be coming at the End, with his reward in his hand? Aren’t all our works supposed to be tested with fire? What happened to the fire? Must’ve screwed up the happy ending. Well, theological correctness mustn’t get in the way of a happy ending. That won’t sell.
- ♫ Thank you for giving to the Lord
- ♫ I am a life that was changed
- ♫ Thank you for giving to the Lord
- ♫ I am so glad you gave
This part is sung twice. Boltz starts off with no orchestration so that you can catch the emotion in his voice, and get a little weepy; then he drowns you out with full orchestration to cover up your blubbering sounds. That is, unless you’re me and have seen this trick before, practiced weekly by the pastor’s wife during the “special music” of the Sunday service.
I apologize for any annoying flashbacks to this song you may have experienced in the process of reading it. Such things are inevitable. I drowned them out with a little music.