Yeah, I knew that title would get your attention.
There’s something just bizarre about the spam I’ve been getting lately. Usually they fall into the following categories:
- Requests to refinance a mortgage I don’t have.
- Invitations to join their multi-level marketing scheme.
- Invitations to get a free tchotchke, like a video iPod or
PSP , if I just complete five offers, which combined will cost me more than the tchotchke. - Offers for discount, possibly pirated, software.
- Offers for cheap Canadian pharmaceuticals.
- Offers to enlarge my penis.
Most of the offers are, in fact, to enlarge my penis. I don’t see any reason to do so. But every time I see the badly-misspelled headers for penis enlargement (misspelled so that they can get past my spam filter, which catches them anyway) I’m reminded of Eric Idle’s joke about it. He once said he answered “yes” to every one he got, and now he has a nine-foot penis.
I began to get tired of the spam, so instead of simply going to my spam folder and deleting them, I began to send email back to them. Something simple: “Stop sending me spam.” Some of the time it gets back; most of the time the spam’s address is some undeliverable emailbox that’s only used for flinging their crap like so many monkeys.
The down side to this tactic is that I have to open the message to send the reply, and I’ve been noticing something odd about the sort of spam I get. A lot of it (if it’s not in Chinese) consists of unintelligible English sentences. Below is the text of one of them that I’ve received today. I kid you not.
find you anybody steps embarrass drew? steps light gym am few he. again gym miserable corner? leader wife promised across turning, embarrass here friends how? appearance music nothing? reference mentioned shining night. sandwich social taught. fascinate teach development reading, fire profession how already. benefit am reply my is.
And there’s no link to click so that anyone can buy their penis-enlargement stuff; it’s just gobbledygook. It's not haiku. It might be code to their Communist operatives in America; I have no idea. Why, if they’re going to all the trouble of sending me penis-enlargement spam, are they sending me this?
It’s not even purposeful crap; it’s just completely useless. At least with penis-enlargement spam, I can laugh at all the sad losers who are gonna buy the stuff and then (if it actually works) they’re gonna discover that they’re never gonna find a pair of undershorts that fit, and that using a toilet is going to become horrifically unsanitary. (If you don’t know what I mean, think about it. Or don’t, if you’d rather not be put off your lunch.)
Ah well, since I’ve been writing about penises so much I may as well end this post with a link to the song “Enormous Penis” by Da Vinci’s Notebook. Enjoy.